Waiting in Line

"The waitress is taking forever to come back with our check," my brother quipped as my Dad guzzled down his last drop of coffee. I was too busy taking everything in to realize the tardiness. The smell of coffee and waffles danced in my nostrils as I lost myself in the act of people-watching. The comment startled me -Why are they in such a rush?  I had just come back from Buenos Aires, where people savored coffee and chatted for hours in marathon sobremesas. I couldn't believe how uptight they seemed!

But alas, after a few months home, I quickly returned to my American ways and while I didn't like how structured social events could be, I relished in the sheer efficiency of everything. Going to the bank was not a three-hour long wait-fest, no one glared at me when I tried to break a twenty dollar bill, I knew that heat and air conditioning were available and reliable, and the bus actually had a schedule that it adhered to! (People laughed when I asked if there was a bus schedule in Buenos Aires. Silly gringa, the bus comes when it feels like it!). 

And you would think that after living in Chile for five months and having lived in Brazil for one, I would have adjusted to the slower, more flexible rhythm of the South American life. But I still find myself swiftly walking past people on the sidewalk, rather than strolling at Brazilian-pace. I still remember that I'm me wherever I go in the world, and I'm a somewhat type-A person who loves structure, organization, and predictability. Well, that doesn't mesh well with Brazilian culture. Brazilians joke that they love standing in lines because there's a line (and consequently, a lot of waiting) for everything. But I try to be positive and realize that living in Brazil will be excellent patience training, which let's be honest, is something that everyone could use a little more of. 

But today was a particularly grueling day of patience training.
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After a rough morning of feeling awful from a cold, I decided to go to the supermarket to get some fruits and vegetables to make a smoothie. My Pelotas fried food and sweets diet probably wasn't doing my immune system any good. Plus, I was excited to buy beets because I had tried them and didn't like them. But with that high iron content, I was determined to find a way to cook them and hide them into a smoothie to make them tolerable. So I ran off to the grocery store, still in a haze from my cold. I planned to go the supermarket and then quickly come home to sleep off whatever bug I had caught.

So I grabbed my veggies and walked to the shortest check out line. There were only two people in front of me, but something had happened with the lady talking to the cashier. She pointed at the screen, chattering in mumbled Portuguese that I didn't understand. She swiped her card once. More conversing and pointing ensued. She swiped her card again. Nothing. All of the actions happened in slow-motion speed as people in the other lines checked out and left. I grumbled and looked at my watch. Twenty minutes had gone by. I wished that I had brought some toilet paper because my runny nose wasn't anticipating such a long wait. I rested my feverish head against a shelf. I tapped my foot. I sighed. The woman behind me commented, "You have to have a lot patience here..." Ironically, she sat her basket of groceries on a shelf and high-tailed it out of the store empty-handed. I guess she was fed up with Slow-Mo-cashier-lady. And if the situation was testing Brazilian's patience, it was sure to test mine.

One would think that after spending 20 minutes checking out one person, Slow-Mo-Cashier Lady would have a little spring in her step. But no. She rang up each item of the person in front of me as if it were floating through molasses. 

Finally, after a good half hour of waiting, it was my turn! I felt like stretching my arms out in elation like Cristo Branco himself. Yay! I could finally buy my stuff, go home, blow my nose, and SLEEP! I unpacked my basket with the speed of a professional-cup stacker. Money in hand, I was ready to go. Each item slowly passed through the molasses whirlpool of the scanner, but everything was going smoothly until we got to the fruit. "What is this?" the cashier asked me. I looked at her in disbelief, "Uhm..a mango." She reached over to the fruit list and typed in the code. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Item not found. She typed it in again. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Eventually she asked her coworker the code. BEEP BEEP BEEP. But by the grace of God, eventually the mango appeared on the screen after a serious of number punches. Okay, it's a little strange that someone at a grocery store can't recognize a mango, but I'll let it slide. Maybe she had a visual disability, or maybe she had grown up in a faraway land where mangos where some fantastical urban legend. 

"What this?" the cashier asked, holding up my avocado. I laughed to myself inside my head. Would it be like this for every produce item? I told her that it was an avocado, and the slow cycle repeated: reaching for the produce-item list, BEEP BEEP BEEPing a million times, asking her coworker for help, and then finally pushing the item through the scanner at turtle speed. Finally! The machine stopped BEEP BEEP BEEPing but supposedly the cashier had rung my avocado up as a melon. I wasn't even going to say anything. Let that cashier have her moment; why yes that's a melon if you want to believe it so!

"What's this?" The impatient people in line started calling out, "A BEET! IT'S A BEET!" The same pattern ensued for my squash, which was luckily the last produce item. A woman in another line chuckled at the cashier, "Mam, you don't really know your produce, do you? You should learn your fruits and vegetables." After a good five minutes had passed, I whipped out my bill and paid. I then rushed out of the agonizingly slow grocery store sniffling and sneezing, telling my body to wait a few more moments for a tissue. 

So I'm learning that there will be a lot of moments in Brazil that test my patience, but I'm a better person for waiting. There are moments of frustration, like when I wish I knew the word for 'squash' so that I could tell the cashier what this mystery vegetable was. Some of this frustration is outward (long grocery lines, lack of order) but some of it is inward (Why isn't my Portuguese better? Why do I still feel like an outsider? Have I done enough here?). But one speaker at orientation told us that some days, you have to just embrace the suck, which is what I did today. Today was a suck-embracing kind of day due to my cold and other mini-frustrations, but victory felt oh so sweet as I cuddled up in bed, blew my nose, and sipped on my iron-rich beet smoothie. 

(P.S. My beet smoothie has mango, avocado, bananas, beets, and yogurt. Strange combination but surprisingly good!)

A Spoonful of Reflection

I'm sure every twenty-year old has had the What am I going to do with my life freak out. I was surprised at how many of the Fulbrighters were unsure about their plans for after their grant ended. And I was also pleasantly surprised at how some people found interesting and fulfilling jobs that didn't necessarilly relate to their humanities major. One thing that I realized is that everyone goes through this period of uncertainty regarding their path in life. I was under the erroneous impression that lots of other people just 'had it figured out' and that they were 100% sure about their career decisions. However, very few people fit into this category! Even focused people with great jobs often find themselves 'in the valley' while job hunting. I know now that I have two options: I can either despair or strive towards my goals with confidence.

Nipping Negative Thinking in the Butt
Sometimes, it can be hard to not get overwhelmed by negative messages. If you hunt for that negativity, you'll surely find it. (Spending five minutes of the 'lost generation' reddit thread is enough to fill you with a lifetime of cynicism!). Yes, the job market in the United States still hasn't picked up to pre-2007 levels. There are people who did everything right and are working minimum wage jobs. Job security seems to be a thing of a past and wait, what's this mythical pension that you talk of? Student loans and the long-term impact on the economy are a serious concern. It can be hard to not let this fear take over and shake your confidence. But while all of these concerns are valid, I had major confirmation bias. I searched the internet looking for gloom and doom and guess what? I found it! The economy is in the toilet! This person doesn't like their job, so I surely wouldn't either...  This person is a STEM graduate with a 3.82 and he still can't find a job!

It seemed like a teaching job was hard to come by, and that I didn't have any transferable skills because I didn't know how to code or do anything STEMy. But I didn't realize that all those 'helpful' forums I was looking at were kind of an echo chamber, and there were plenty of millennial not only surviving, but thriving. I only saw what I was looking for, and I had to change my tune to look for success stories.

Look Inward First
Some people quip that employers don't care about your self-esteem, or who you are as a person, or what you like and dislike- they just care about how well you can do the job. This has a bit of truth, but being a confident and introspective person really does matter. Employers don't want to hire some wishy-washy person who doesn't know their worth, what they are good at, and where they would be the best fit. And the soft-skill people aspect of networking and job-hunting can't be overstated. Before, I put so much of my focus on the wrong things- scouring the internet for information about careers and then getting stuck with over-information decision paralysis. While I was trying to find the best risk-averse option (who doesn't want security in this economy?) I ran in circles and went nowhere because my motor was propelled by fear. I was so focused on external factors like the economy and the job market that I forgot to turn inward to see what job I would like and be good at! And the time that I spent investigating careers ad naseum could have been better suited for getting more life experience and meeting new people - you never know where connections might lead!

I've been reading What Color is Your Parachute and it's helped me realize that I have a lot more transferable skills than I once thought. I'm completing the self-inventory and now I know that my skills and preferences can be applied to an array of jobs. I was stuck thinking that you could only get a job in your major, but the Fulbrighters spun their humanities degrees to enter into many different fields. There are jobs that I didn't even know that existed that I would be a good fit for. However, if I didn't look inward first, I probably wouldn't have even had known where to look!

Building Identity Capital
I read the book The Defining Decade and it has some good takeaways. (Spoiler- it's about using your 20's productively). Anyway, one segment was devoted to the idea of 'identity capital', the idea that meaningful events in your life are like deposits into a bank account that builds your confidence. It's perfectly normal to feel insecure and doubtful, especially when you don't have much life experience. For example, of course I felt nervous teaching for the first time! But I actively tried to get as much experience as I could with tutoring and other endeavors so that I could get a taste of success and know that the career was a good fit for me. I actively pursued these opportunities through volunteering, and it did a lot for my confidence.

Now, people have asked me what the Brazilian Fulbright has to do with my future career, and I'll admit- it's not super applicable outside of education. It's not a beeline to a job, but that doesn't mean that it's worthless by any means. Most people that I've talked to seem to fall on extreme ends of the spectrum, from 'Why are you 'bumming away' in South America when you could be building your career in the states?' to 'Oh wow! The Fulbright is so prestigious and it will open so many doors!" . I think the reality is somewhere in the middle and a lot of it depends on me and how proactive I am in seeking opportunities. The experience in itself is a great way to learn to adapt to new situations, coordinate with fellow assistants and teachers, learn about Brazilian culture, and exercise soft-skills from a multicultural approach. I would also love to volunteer with children with special needs, participate in outreach programs, or do anything in educational or non-profit sectors that I can get my hands on.

So I have to remember that even though there will be trying moments, this experience will be what I make it.  And while it's important to be forward-thinking, I'm also trying really hard to live in the moment and to take advantage of the opportunities that I have NOW, rather than squandering them by running in circles worrying about the future. Sometimes I get caught up wondering about what I'll do after the grant ends, and I have to stop myself. "Woah! You're in Brazil now. Work hard, enjoy it, and it will all fall into place!"